So it’s over , the first Christmas without you. It was lovely despite missing you we made it ok. I have been running away from everything I think since I was little , hiding behind layers of me , all of them true Colum but all of them not really me . I don’t know who I am anymore and I don’t know who I am supposed to be without you . You balanced me , brought out the best layer the one that did all I could for you and loved you and the boys. The one that worked hard and achieved . But other layers were always there underneath nagging ......The other layers are better or maybe one or two of them are ,but the rest weak and prone to excess and I am not sure I can hold on and Keep the good layer the boys and you would want me to keep. I need your help and you have gone , you don’t haunt me like you teased you would, there are no echoes of you , nothing just nothing , just candles and prayers and the pain of your passing which I run away from too . Happy New Year princess it’s coming and I can’t stop it