Hi Princess. It’s dark in the house and the clock is ticking , taking its time and slowly moving the hands around it’s face . I do the same I wipe my hands around my face hoping to clear the pain from the thoughts of you that invade and stab at my soul. The loneliness is cold , I have run away for the last four monthis hiding behind my brothers and my friends , exploring and rejecting the dating apps knowing I don’t want to get to know anyone else but hoping maybe the internet has the answer . Alcohol holds no allure for me it doesn’t make me forget it just opens up the closed box in my head where all the pain resides .I have run away a lot over the years and I am still running now . I am two people , I am a functioning griefaholic, denying the thoughts of you and our life together and focusing on work, friends the future and all the mundane daily tasks that go with living . But I’m also slowly but surely becoming less , the strength I had disappearing as the heat from your passing burns away the layers that wrapped me up , kept the ice from melting . But no more . My chest hurts and my eyes are warm and I feel a darkness I never knew existed . I found your will , you didn’t tell me you made it , didn’t trust me in those last weeks of your illness as the tumours took hold , didn’t trust me to look after your last wishes and thats awful. I will put your wishes into my will and make sure the boys get what you wanted them to have. I am so sorry I couldn’t save you, I am so sorry I wasn’t there in the morning to kiss you snd bless you. I am so sorry I didn’t understand how sick you were and I don’t think , no matter what they say I will ever forgive myself for being less than I should have been, not enough , not bright enough , not man enough to make you safe. Father Joe cried at lunch at Carmen’s when I told you how you had gone he made me cry too . I love you xxxxx