Am sitting in the kitchen , I have a glass of white wine, my second , and I have just eaten my supper . Vegetarian cottage pie , fresh veg very nice . I cried again at mass when they played the hymn ‘ will you let me be your servant’ . The suns going down and the blackbirds are singing in-the garden , it’s so quiet and I am only just beginning to realise what living without you is going to be like . The sun went down but it won’t come up again not in my life time . The house is pretty much the same , minor changes just enough to keep me sane but not my home as much as I love it here it’s your home . Patrick and Hannah are fine and Joe and Lauren seems set , I do hope so . The business seems to have turned a corner and I am going to be fitter soon . There’s a Robin singing now and spring is on the way but not here yet . I do t want anyone else but I don’t want to be alone . I need to find a purpose and I have this feeling God will surprise me with what it is . I don’t wa t to waste these gifts of life love and industry but I can’t move on , leave this , our paradise everything you put into it , all that love , creativity and individuality . I can’t betray that and I don’t know what to do .............I need your help .